Commie Bastards

Last August, after weeks of surveillance, police raided a warehouse in Philadelphia where activists were preparing puppets for a series of demonstrations at the Republican National Convention. Seventy-five nonviolent activists were arrested. A few weeks later, the New York Times and the Philadelphia Inquirer reported that, in order to get warrants for the raid, police had submitted affidavits describing some of the activists as having "Communist and leftist" sponsors; others with leanings toward "the former Soviet-allied World Federation of Trade Unions."

Once again our government is not doing its job. You see, it isn't the activists who pose a threat to national security -- it's the puppets. And three of the most dangerous ones got away! If only U.S. intelligence had monitored those puppets the way it has monitored people for years! If only...

LAMB CHOP: Cheap, false eye-lashes. Shifty, downward gaze. Lateral lisp. Scar above right eyebrow, the result of shearing accident.

Ms. Chop was, for over 40 years, in highly publicized same-sex relationship with puppet "mistress" Shari Lewis. "I came across as footloose and fancy-free on our Saturday morning TV show," Lamb Chop told reliable informant. "But actually Shari put words in my mouth. We were codependent. I needed her hand up my butt."

Following Ms. Lewis's death, Ms. Chop's behavior became increasingly erratic. Network psychologists described the lamb as experiencing an uncontrollable urge to rebel, or, as Ms. Chop put it, "muttony." Ms. Chop has since been seen at various protest demonstrations, giving police officers "the hoof," and holding crude, hand-lettered placards with such slogans as "UP AGAINST THE WALL, PUPPETFUCKER!"; "FREE THE LAMB!"; and "GIVE FLEECE A CHANCE."

Caution! Considered cute and extremely dangerous. Animal rights fanatic, who could infiltrate and disrupt Nativity scenes, Christmas pageants, and Easter parades, thus encouraging the demise of last-minute holiday shopping and/or Free Market Capitalism.

Solution: Rack of Lamb Project ["ROLP"]. Subject likes to follow female authority figures. We therefore send undercover agent in Bo Peep costume to lead subject discretely to Hormel plant. Reprogram and process, according to standard procedure used for typical American sheep. Serve with mint jelly.

OSCAR THE GROUCH: Scraggly, low-life entity of indeterminate origin -- possibly in this country illegally. Gravelly voice reportedly the result of years spent outdoors as Sesame Street wino and squeegee windshield washer. Subject sent to detox in 1986, where he discovered the works of Noam Chomsky. Now resides in a public housing trash can, presumably to be closer to "the people," although this set-up could also represent a link to revolutionary, sewer-dwelling anarchist underground.

Querulous, on-air persona encourages innocent children to question authority, thus leading them to read dangerously at or even {above} their own grade levels. Resulting "critical" thinking could lead to disastrous policy decisions, such as bombing our own Defense Department or including Ralph Nader in the Presidential debates.

Solution: Reliable government puppet -- say, Howdy Doody or Janet Reno --could persuade subject to participate in needle exchange program. Drugs would then be planted in subject's trash can, and subject would receive the mandatory minimum sentence of 15 years to life. That should give him something to be grouchy about! PBS wouldn't allow broadcasts from Oscar's cell in Sing Sing.

Or would they?